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Finally sure about what I was supposed to do, what I had to do.And then the dog turned around and chased his tail again—I changed my mind again. I loved her so deeply, so strongly, so completely, I couldn't bear the thought of not having her in her life. Her kisses, her touch, her giggles, her hugs, her voice in my ear, her hair on my chest, her eyes staring into mine with so much beauty I felt like I wasn't even alive. How could I let all that go? How could I simply give up? How could I ever love anyone else that much? How would I ever be happy again? She was everything to me, my whole universe, and to not have her with me, to let her go and watch her be happy with someone else, felt like death—worse than death: it felt like hell.And so I cried some more and went a little madder trying to find some solution? Why couldn't things just go back to the way they were? Why couldn't everything just be perfect forever? Why is life always so full of confusion and pain?I drove around, going. “Dad brought home some crawdads after a fishing trip one time, but I couldn’t eat any. They grossed me out.”Jack chuckled. “OK, that works. So if I ask you to do something, or if I’m doing something to you, and you absolutely cannot bring yourself to comply or participate, you use the word “crawdad” in a sentence and it will stop. You will have to explain your reasons, and they’ll need to be good ones, or you could find yourself punished.”“Punished?” I asked.“Yep.” he replied without explanation.“OK, I won’t go further down that road right now. I do have a question, though.” I looked at him quizzically. “Why ‘Vanessa’?”Jack looked over at me and said, “Well, mostly it’s because I like the name. It has an origin in sex; in the 1700’s the writer Jonathan Swift made it up out of the first and last name of a lover and used it in a love poem. Later, it was used to describe a genus of butterflies. So it’s like you, in a way. You’ve been inside a shell, and now you’re emerging more.
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